(My, how depressing a post is before you! )
I was walking with a soul-brother recently and I let it all out in a span of 3-4 minutes. It happens to all of us, doesn’t it? In these unexpected moments, you find yourself having a mind that is most precise, sharp and full of clarity. You, who a day ago wasn’t sure of any opinion you had and possess a fluid-like perception, can now suddenly put together the pieces and in an almost flow-chart like manner explain everything.
To give you a gist of it, I told him about me. And I wasn’t happy. The state of my room showed it – not even basic dis-organisation, but messy. I felt like I was living a day-to-day existence. It was a struggle to get out of bed, yet the bed had nails that I couldn’t stay in any longer.
And I felt fear. Pure fear of going back to how I felt a few years ago. I was in a quicksand of fear. This fear was dragging me down even further to that very state that I did not want to reach. That fear still pervades me every day. I.do.not.want.to.be.depressed. AS SIMPLE AS THAT. It is a scary place to be. And the worst is, you’re alone in it. There are only distractions. No cures. You feel ‘stagnant’. Till today, I am afraid of that word. I am afraid of being that word.
So, I told him. I feel this. “I feel like I have nothing to move forward to, nothing to push me on.” I never thought I would say those words again or even think them. Of course, I considered those very emotions. The only thoughts that led me out of bed every day were those of other people. “But, then what?”. It wasn’t a selfish thought. At least I would like to think so.
The question is this : When you lose your purpose, you lose your way, your eyesight is foggy, you aren’t really sure how or why you walk.. what do you do?
This post had been typed until that dotted line almost 23 days ago. I couldn’t write after that. Whatever I wrote sounded juvenile, naive and to be harsh, it sounded massively stupid. The feelings within still haven’t left though. It isn’t good. This feeling of worthlessness. It comes from years of being far too hard on yourself and pulling the reigns at moments where you should have let go. It comes from dependence on others approval. It comes from not being able to exercise your free will. “After all, If I have not achieved, what am I good for?”.
That exact feeling is what drags every individual down to the rock bottom of self-pity. And my god, that is not a good place to be at. The feeling, the theory, the perception that if you have not achieved, you are not worth it. Your achievements are your footprint in the world.And you know what, maybe they bloody are. But I’m done fighting that. My will has become far too weak to continue that struggle against those people, circumstances and events. (call them what you may).